Meet The Mannequin

Mary Alice

Meet Mary Alice. She’s a day-drinking, chain-smoking Real Estate Agent from the Deep South who thinks pearls and cornbread go with everything. She spends 80% of her time giving out backhanded compliments and unsolicited advice while the other 20% is spent on Facebook, sharing local charity events and posting photos of the latest golf tournament she drank in. Mary Alice never had kids but knows how to raise yours...bless your heart. She starts every sentence with, “In the south,...” and ends every conversation with, “I’m prayin for ya”, even though she isn’t. With 3 divorces under her belt, Mary Alice has sworn off men but will hit anything in a seersucker and/or Cadillac DeVille. The only man she needs is Larry, her 8-year-old Pomeranian, who’s photographed alongside her on billboards and fliers - “Looking for the home of your dreams? Call the Mary & Larry Team!” #meetthemannequin

Amy & Greg

Meet Amy and Greg. You can find them on Facebook under “AmyGreg Anderson” but if you’ve ever dated one of them, keep scrolling because they’ve moved on and are very happy together thank you. They have a toddler, two golden retrievers and matching camo that has been washed and pressed, ready for their annual deer season profile pic. Greg has a small roofing company and an overbearing mother named Jackie. He has known Amy since high school but they didn’t start dating until the summer of 2011, when he saw her execute a very impressive keg-stand at a Knights of Columbus wedding reception that neither of them were invited to. Amy, a self-proclaimed #girlboss, recently achieved “Diamond Ambassador” status with the 4th multilevel marketing company she has tried in the last 2 years. She is the one that jams your Facebook feed with her streaming infomercial, reminding you that she quit her part-time job at Dillard’s because of the [insert exaggerated income] she receives from her MLM. She has tried to sell you body wraps and weight loss patches and is currently looking for 2 motivated people that want to make an extra $500 a month, for a once in a lifetime opportunity to isolate their friends and family on social media. #meetthemannequin


Meet Pam. After divorcing your dad in the late 90s, Pam has been living with her soul mate - a hypoglycemic Terrier named Barry. When you come over for dinner, she says things like, “We didn’t sleep well last night”, “We went to Starbucks this morning” and, “Barry and I were wondering if you’re ever getting married”. She occasionally reminds you that your younger cousin, who just graduated law school with honors, got engaged over Christmas. It’s all she can think about now that you’re in your thirties and, while you wouldn’t call Pam a devout Christian, she goes to church every Sunday in a pantsuit to pray for grandbabies. When Pam isn’t busy looking up the fair market value of her beanie baby collection or ruminating over your sex life, she diligently keeps her loved ones abreast of current events on Facebook with posts that often begin with, “Better safe than sorry” and “If you want Facebook to remain free, copy this post..” - BECAUSE PAM LOVES YOU. She also loves dry martinis, Ritalin and kitten heels. The end #meetthemannequin


Meet Carol, 42-year-old mother of 3 and president of the PTA. Carol is a stay-at-home mom, married to an emotionally unavailable tax attorney named Tom. Carol still buys her underwear in packs of six and prides herself on being a soldier, fighting the war on Christmas. Carol just licked the inside of her empty Xanax bottle after finding out that her friend Sharon adopted an Asian baby and got over 500 Facebook likes for posting a photo of them in Beijing. Carol has never been to Beijing but frequently visits her in-laws in Canada. **Sharon has been removed from Carol’s Christmas card list** Carol busies herself by chalk painting mid-century buffets in "Robin Egg Blue" and writing weekly fliers in comic sans that you’ll never read even though it’s printed on neon paper. Carol is the admin of the PTA’s Facebook group and welcomes your opinions as long as they’re positive. She likes to send out a daily devotional on social media and often quotes something inspirational one of her children have said even though we all know that your 6-year-old doesn’t use words like “racial inequity”, “redemption” or “constitutional rights”, Carol. We also know it wasn’t your kid’s idea to donate pumpkin pies to the Samaritan Center while streaming it live on the internet. As I write this, Carol is decorating in fairy lights and carefully arranging her monogrammed towels, preparing for fall. Carol loves this time of the year but disapproves of Halloween. Carol still believes there’s such thing as “reefer madness” and is convinced that Monster Energy drinks are packaged in satanic propaganda. Carol hates parents that don’t check their kid’s backpack every night and believes that this is an early contributor to delinquency and teen pregnancy. She will send out a flier addressing this, along with vague statistics to support her claim, later this month. #meetthemannequin


Meet Frank - our FIRST male mannequin! He’s a divorced former high school volleyball coach, coin collecting hobbyist and winner of the 1983 Sarasota, Florida World Racquetball Championship. Not only did he teach your kids how to drive, he taught them how to make that hideous golden oak shelf they gave you for Mother’s Day. Frank likes a good jumping-jack and loves when you hustle but if you tell him that you’re on your period, he’ll let you do literally anything you want as long as you never say “period” again. He retired from the public school system for undisclosed reasons and made his way to Encore to live the rest of his days standing awkwardly in polyester. We’re so happy to have him! Welcome to the team, Frank!!! #meetthemannequin


Meet Ronald, a 62-year-old divorcé who’s waving and poking his way through Facebook, trying to find literally ANY WOMAN that’ll respond to him. You accepted his friend request just thirty minutes ago but he has already liked all of your profile pictures since 2008 and “loved” the ones with cleavage. #meetthemannequin


Meet Diane. She’s a married 64-year-old state retiree, that chain smokes Salems and never misses an episode of the Young and the Restless. Her husband Bud is an over the road truck driver that likes to fix up old dirt bikes and has an impressive collection of bald eagle figurines. Their split-foyer, that has smelled like bacon and Pet Fresh since the 1980s, is where you grew up drinking Boone’s Farm and Busch Light because, if you were gonna drink, Diane would rather you drink there instead of “stirrin’ up trouble somewhere else”. Every morning you’ll find Diane sitting at her kitchen table with a cup of coffee, wearing an old housecoat and complaining about gas prices. By noon you’ll be doing her yard work while she plays solitaire on a desktop. Diane doesn’t use the Internet because she doesn’t like the government spying on her. She also doesn’t like rap music or hugs but she showed up to every high school baseball game and never told your mom about the time she drove her Buick LeSabre all the way to Kansas City to pick you up at the police station. #meetthemannequin


Just like real life - once you finally have a man, other dudes with arms start coming around, amirite? Meet Jeff - our second male mannequin. He loves frisbee golf, craft beer and your sister.#meetthemannequin


Meet Susan, a 56-year-old Administrative Assistant and tireless office snitch. She loves tuna salad, talk radio and the lord. Susan is never late for work but makes sure to notate when you are. She is mad because you still haven’t signed and returned the updated sexual harassment policy she gave you 4 months ago. Things have been tense since the time she filibustered an Aflac presentation for an hour and a half, right before a three-day weekend. She will prolong every employee meeting with questions - not because she’s confused, but because Susan wants the boss to know how engaged and compliant she is. When Susan isn’t washing out the coffee pot or auditing your timecard, she is probably cleaning her desk. Her desk is impeccably clean, just like the Velcro on her New Balance walking shoes and the inside of her 2005 Dodge Caravan. Come by Encore and meet her but don’t expect Susan to acknowledge you. She rarely engages in casual conversation unless it’s about Precious Moments figurines or her sciatica. #MeetTheMannequin


Meet Jeremy. He’s a 20-year-old amateur musician and sandwich artist at Subway. He identifies as a male, Marxist Revolutionary with a “minimalist aesthetic”, while his dog identifies as a cat. He plans on going to college some day but not until it’s free. In the meantime, he lives downtown in a one bedroom apartment that’s decorated in unframed posters and a large collection of participation trophies. Jeremy spends much of his time perusing Tinder and playing the ukulele whilst sitting on a bare mattress. Let’s welcome Jeremy to the team - Also, please answer your phone because he needs a ride to work again. #meetthemannequin